How To Get What You Want In A Relationship – The Spiritual Truth

You will never get what you want most from an intimate relationship. Simply because we’re not programed to receive it. “It” is something that was denied to us as children from our parent, or parents. And we spend the rest of our life seeking it in various distractions; money, physical image, body shape, social status, relationships, sex, drugs, work, career, etc.

Yet, we know that all those things really won’t deliver “it” to us. And the biggest tragic comedy of all is that we falsely believe that we’ll only get it through one source: “true love”.

We’re disillusioned and conditioned into thinking that we’ll get it through an intimate relationship. And that’s because we actually do get a taste in the romantic phase of relationships. This is because during this phase, it’s still “safe” to receive what we want most, because the deeper self-worth wounds haven’t been triggered yet.

Only when things begin to get really intimate, beyond just sex. When things begin to get psychologically intimate. This kind of intimacy intensifies with the factors of shared work, more time spent together, living together, children and financial stress. Which are all extremely common in modern marriages. When these stresses enter, our patience is tested to our limits. Resulting in much deeper intimacy than the romantic sexual fantasy that most people get involved in during the romantic stage, which typically lasts anywhere to 6-12 months depending on circumstances.

When the romance is over… we begin to resist what we wanted most from our partner. What it was that attracted us to him or her in the first place begins to annoy us, and push our buttons. And, sadly this can often lead us to feeling that we’re more alone within a relationship than outside of one. Obviously this is not true… it’s just our emotional buttons resisting the breakthrough that could happen if we had the courage, discipline and willingness to move through our resistances, discomforts and annoyances.

But the real tragedy is that most couples choose one of two options when this pattern develops. They either stick it out and limit their interactions to lessen the pain and give their quest for getting what they most wanted – accepting that they’ll never get it. Or, they separate in the false hope that they’ll get it elsewhere. Both are illusionary and easy escapes. Although the latter does often hold more potential for awakening. Because once someone exhausts their search for “it” in another… Or after they enter another relationship with someone who they believed was so different than their previous partner, only to have the exact same buttons pushed years later when their intimacy finally came to the same limits – this visceral realization will sometimes be enough to awaken that person.

Truthfully the intimate relationship was founded on a fundamental flaw: that someone else could give us what we most want. That “thing” that our parents didn’t give us enough of. We conditioned ourselves to accept that we’re never going to get it from our parent, nor from any other source. So although there is an underlying hope and desire to get it. We feel unworthy of it, so could never receive it – leading us to subconsciously sabotage any circumstance that may lead us to actually getting it.

There is a way to get “it”. But most people are not crazy enough to actually do what it takes to go there. And truthfully, why bother when you can just indulge in the never ending drama of almost getting it. The cat and mouse, push and pull, success and failure endless roller coaster that most people are miserably addicted to.

How to get what you most want.

You’ve got first know what it is. What is it? Can you even fathom getting it? I mean REALLY fathom it? It seems as if the longing is very real. The emptiness that we seek to fill is tangible. But to actually emotionally enter the possibility of receiving it will feel like entering the void, the unknown.

Theoretically and intellectually, it can make sense and you can understand it, and you can easily say: “Yes, I want that.” “Yes, I’m willing to push through my limits to get that.” “Yes, I will create the possibility of receiving that in my life.” “Yes, it’s what I want more than anything and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get it.”

But if you actually FEEL it, you’ll enter a fear so deep, it borders on panic, like a deep chaotic endless void of chaos. Your mind and ego will have no frame of reference. Nothing makes sense within that space. This is because you’ve built your entire identity around not having “it” AND seeking “it”. To actually receive it, your current identity will have to fully die. Because your identity is programmed NOT to receive it. It’s like having a small brick house with small windows and you want to have a large wood house with large windows. You have either tear down the small house to build the large house, or move completely out of the brick house to live in the log house.

The ego, your house, which is what you interpret reality through will have to die. If that happens, it will ACTUALLY feel like a real physical death.

“You” have to essentially die. Not your physical body, but the “you” whom you identify with. That’s why I began this post by writing “YOU will never get what you want most…”

So, how willing are you to get what you’ve always wanted? Are you willing to die?

If not, there is another path that I’ve heard of: To give what you’ve never got, and never engage the hope of receiving what you want.

Although these appear to be two different paths or approaches, they essentially lead to the same place. Both will create an ego death of sorts. Both will eventually have the effect at killing the identity that is starved for what you were denied as a child.

A final note: If you are a parent, be aware. Whatever you don’t give your child; physically, spiritually, emotionally or mentally, will cause him or her to spend the rest of his or her life seeking it. – Blaise

How To Accomplish The Impossible In 7 Steps

Impossibility Dissolution Step #1: Don’t lose sight of the deeper goal. While we mostly pursue material and superficial goals in business, our social or family life or attaining our own personal desires. It’s important to remember what the deeper spiritual goal of each one of us is. Which is enlightenment. Enlightenment is nothing more than living your day to day doings while being grounded in the essential truth that you are a spirit being incarnating in the physical reality. Also, in enlightenment you know that all forms are subject to impermanence. So while you can enjoy each form you happen to experience in any given moment, you are not attached to it. So while you, or I, move towards accomplishing anything, be it impossible or not, remember the deeper purpose.

Impossibility Dissolution Step #2: Take the necessary ACTIONS to practice realizing Step #1 If you’re like me, it is easy to get caught up doing, doing, doing. And soon enough as I begin to feel short on time, my spiritual practices can begin to lose their priority. If you compromise your spiritual and health practices because of getting caught up in believing you have limited time and other doings are a higher priority – then you are making a BIG MISTAKE. And you will NEVER accomplish the impossible. To even consider approaching the impossible with the goal accomplishing it, you’ve got to be able to channel a much higher vibration and energy than what is required to accomplish the possible.

Impossibility Dissolution Step #3: Find Your Map There are a million different paths that lead to the same place. Even the impossible has an inconceivable number of variable routes to it. But for you, and for me, there is but ONE path to take. You’ve got to find that one path that will lead you there. You’ve got to FEEL it out. Look at your options. It’s kind of like deciding where to go by putting a bunch of maps on a table, closing your eyes and dropping your finger on wherever feels best. Examine each option you have to accomplish the impossible. Maybe you can take this road. Or maybe you can take a longer road, but stay with some friends along the way. Or maybe it’s best to go somewhere off the road but in the general direction to pick up some work to help pay for your way there. You’ll know you’ve found the way once you begin to feel motivated and inspired and passionate about getting moving. Once you jump up and start packing. Or maybe for you, your map doesn’t require you to pack anything, so you just jump up and walk out the door.

Impossibility Dissolution Step #4: Lock N Load Set your sights on the impossible, choose whatever means you feel like to get there. And just do it. If you’ve followed each step to this point, then this will be easy to do. If you are firmly rooted in your spiritual depths and your physical body is strong and being nourished in all ways. Then you’ll be itching to get on with it. At this point, all philosophizing, reading, thinking and writing that do not bring you directly to accomplishing the impossible should only be used in order to follow step #2. Which is to keep your body, mind and spirit healthy and at the top of your priority.

Impossibility Dissolution Step #5: Don’t Waste Your Power on Gibber Jabber Gibber Jabber (mindless chat and talk) is the biggest deterrent to cultivating the necessary personal power to accomplishing the impossible. If it doesn’t serve your mission, or doesn’t uplift you in some way, avoid talking to people about accomplishing the impossible. Sometimes though, it may be fun to mention it to boost your spirits, in which case you will be simply following step 2. By all means, enjoy talking and connecting with people. But remain conscious. Remember your deepest spiritual mission – and speak and connect with that intention in mind.

Impossibility Dissolution Step #6: Do Whatever It Takes To accomplish the impossible, you will certainly meet all kinds of barriers along the way. Some will appear to be external, others will be obviously internal. If you have to spend 4 months sleeping only 4 hours a night, then do that. (As long as you don’t compromise Step 1 and 2). If you have to take longer than expected because more work is required and you have to spend more money on massages and vitamins to keep your body in good health… then do that. If you have to lie, cheat and steal. Do that, as long as you DON’T hurt anyone, particularly your own spirit. Lying, cheating and stealing should never be done out of ego or out of unconsciousness. To make sure you don’t mess up Step 1, you must always remain in full integrity. However, for some people lying, cheating and stealing is in full integrity. Personally, I don’t advocate lying, cheating and stealing – but what do I know? I’m sure it’s appropriate at times. In order to circumvent any tendencies toward unethical actions, I recommend holding FULL responsibility or the consequences of each and every action you decide to take. If you lie, be honest enough to admit that. If you can’t admit your dishonesty, then you have no business lying in the first place.

Impossibility Dissolution Step #7: Let your spirit flow free and surrender to the journey No matter where you go, there you are. No matter what impossibility you turn into a possibility and then into a reality. You’ll just be wherever you are. Your life is nothing more than a bunch of different scenes passing in front of you. With different characters, different sounds, different feelings, different emotions, thoughts, ups, downs, speeds, tempos, lights and meanings. It’s all impermanent. It all ends up at the same place. We all end up six feet under. So follow each step and let your spirit flow free, abandon yourself to the utter peace of observing and experiencing the moment, fully detached. And before you know it, you will have accomplished the impossible. And at that point, you’ll realize – again – that you are just experiencing another now moment. The impossible isn’t any more special or sacred than any other moment.

Quote: Anthony Robbins on Decisions

“A real decision is measured by the fact that you’ve taken a new action. If there’s no action, you haven’t truly decided.”

– Anthony Robbins

Quote: Carlos Castaneda & Don Juan Matus on Challenge

“Warrior-travelers don’t complain, they take everything that infinity hands them as a challenge.  A challenge is a challenge.  It isn’t personal.  It cannot be taken as a curse or a blessing.  A warrior-traveler either wins the challenge or the challenge demolishes him.  It’s more exciting to win, so win.!”


–  Don Juan Matus,

Quote: Rumi Love Poem

You come to us from another world
From beyond the stars and void of space.
Transcendent. Pure. Of unimaginable beauty.
Bringing with you the essence of Love.
You transform all who are touched by you.
Mundane concerns, troubles and sorrows
Dissolve in your presence.
Bringing joy to ruler and ruled.
To peasant and king.

You bewilder us with your grace.
All evils transform into goodness.
You are the master alchemist.

You light the fire of Love in earth and sky
in heart and soul of every being.

Through your loving existence and nonexistance merge.
All opposites unite.
All that is profane becomes sacred again.


–  Rumi

Quote on Freedom by Jean-Paul Sarte

“To be free doesn’t mean having the power to do what we want, but it means wanting what we have the power to do.”


– Jean-Paul Sarte

11 Rules of Making Relationships Between Men and Women Work By Theun Mares

RULE 1:
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HAVING THIS PERSON IN YOUR LIFE.

It takes two to tango, so stop trying to play the blame game. See your own role in, and your own contribution to, what is happening in your relationship (romantic, professional, etc.)

RULE 2:
DON’T TREAT THE OTHER PERSON IN YOUR LIFE ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD A STRANGER.

Familiarity has a dreadful habit of breeding contempt! Therefore treat your spouse as you would a stranger; also your boss, your kids, your family and your friends. Always treat others politely and with respect, even if you have known them ever since pa fell off the bus.

RULE 3:
ACCEPT YOURSELF FOR WHO AND WHAT YOU ARE.

Acknowledge your shortcomings to yourself and remember that they are your passage to power and your ticket to freedom. Therefore stop trying to pretend you are not your potential. Instead of continuously justifying your behaviour, learn to listen. Most important of all, learn to listen to your heart, your feelings.

RULE 4:
ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE POSITIVE; FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE.

Start giving yourself and those around you credit for what you and they are doing right. It is so easy to criticise, to break down, to point out failure. But how often do you praise either yourself or others for a job well done? We all need a pat on the head from time to time to keep believing in ourselves — even you!

RULE 5:
ACKNOWLEDGE GENDER ACCORDING TO ITS PROPER POTENTIAL.

If you are a man, then treat the women in your life as females and not as your mother. If you are a woman, then treat the men in your life as males and not as little boys.

RULE 6:
COMPRESS TIME.

Learn not to waste time through indulging in your behaviour. Instead, learn to communicate effectively by being open, honest and ruthless. Don’t assume that others can smell what you are silently stewing or fuming about.

RULE 7:
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND IN OTHERS.

Stop believing that everyone is out to get you. Practice the mirror concept and therefore acknowledge that others are there to help us and not to victimise us!

RULE 8:

Make allowances for the differences between males and females.

RULE 9:
LAUGH! LIFE IS FUN!

Learn to see your own actions, physical, emotional or mental, as well as those of others, for what they really are, namely, folly. If you do, you will find yourself laughing a great deal more than crying. People are really very funny creatures, and that includes you!

RULE 10:
KEEP A JOURNAL.

Life is the most important journey you will ever undertake, and every important journey should be carefully logged in a journal. If you do that, you will be surprised at how much you learn about yourself, about others and about life in general. Record everything, even your feelings, emotions, thoughts, dreams and, of course, the date. Dates tend to reveal patterns, like for example, feeling morose around Christmas time, or feeling happy in spring, etc. But the most important thing about keeping a journal is that, by writing everything down, you actually commit yourself to your decisions and therefore you start taking responsibility for your own life.

RULE 11:
BE REAL!

Make yourself and others real!

Excerpt from:  This Darned Elusive Happiness, by Theun Mares