Getting What You Want Most

You will never get what you want most from an intimate relationship.  Simply because we’re not programed to receive it. “It” is something that was denied to us as children from our parent, or parents. And we spend the rest of our life seeking it in various distractions; money, physical image, body shape, social status, relationships, sex, drugs, work, career, etc. Yet, we know that all those things really won’t deliver “it” to us. And the biggest tragic comedy of all is that we falsely believe that we’ll only get it through one source: “true love”.

We’re disillusioned and conditioned into thinking that we’ll get it through an intimate relationship. And that’s because we actually do get a taste in the romantic phase of relationships. This is because during this phase, it’s still “safe” to receive what we want most, because the deeper self-worth wounds haven’t been triggered yet. Only when things begin to get really intimate, beyond just sex. When things begin to get psychologically intimate. This kind of intimacy intensifies with the factors of shared work, more time spent together, living together, children and financial stress. Which are all extremely common in modern marriages. When these stresses enter, our patience is tested to our limits. Resulting in much deeper intimacy than the romantic sexual fantasy that most people get involved in during the romantic stage, which typically lasts anywhere to 6-12 months depending on circumstances.

When the romance is over… we begin to resist what we wanted most from our partner. What it was that attracted us to him or her in the first place begins to annoy us, and push our buttons. And, sadly this can often lead us to feeling that we’re more alone within a relationship than outside of one. Obviously this is not true… it’s just our emotional buttons resisting the breakthrough that could happen if we had the courage, discipline and willingness to move through our resistances, discomforts and annoyances. But the real tragedy is that most couples choose one of two options when this pattern develops. They either stick it out and limit their interactions to lessen the pain and give their quest for getting what they most wanted – accepting that they’ll never get it. Or, they separate in the false hope that they’ll get it elsewhere. Both are illusionary and easy escapes. Although the latter does often hold more potential for awakening. Because once someone exhausts their search for “it” in another… Or after they enter another relationship with someone who they believed was so different than their previous partner, only to have the exact same buttons pushed years later when their intimacy finally came to the same limits – this visceral realization will sometimes be enough to awaken that person.

Truthfully the intimate relationship was founded on a fundamental flaw: that someone else could give us what we most want. That “thing” that our parents didn’t give us enough of. We conditioned ourselves to accept that we’re never going to get it from our parent, nor from any other source. So although there is an underlying hope and desire to get it. We feel unworthy of it, so could never receive it – leading us to subconsciously sabotage any circumstance that may lead us to actually getting it.

There is a way to get “it”. But most people are not crazy enough to actually do what it takes to go there. And truthfully, why bother when you can just indulge in the never ending drama of almost getting it. The cat and mouse, push and pull, success and failure endless roller coaster that most people are miserably addicted to.

How to get what you most want.

You’ve got first know what it is. What is it? Can you even fathom getting it? I mean REALLY fathom it? It seems as if the longing is very real. The emptiness that we seek to fill is tangible. But to actually emotionally enter the possibility of receiving it will feel like entering the void, the unknown. Theoretically and intellectually, it can make sense and you can understand it, and you can easily say: “Yes, I want that.” “Yes, I’m willing to push through my limits to get that.” “Yes, I will create the possibility of receiving that in my life.” “Yes, it’s what I want more than anything and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get it.”

But if you actually FEEL it, you’ll enter a fear so deep, it borders on panic, like a deep chaotic endless void of chaos. Your mind and ego will have no frame of reference. Nothing makes sense within that space. This is because you’ve built your entire identity around not having “it” AND seeking “it”. To actually receive it, your current identity will have to fully die. Because your identity is programmed NOT to receive it. It’s like having a small brick house with small windows and you want to have a large wood house with large windows. You have either tear down the small house to build the large house, or move completely out of the brick house to live in the log house. The ego, your house, which is what you interpret reality through will have to die. If that happens, it will ACTUALLY feel like a real physical death.

“You” have to essentially die.  Not your physical body, but the “you” whom you identify with.  That’s why I began this post by writing “YOU will never get what you want most…”

So, how willing are you to get what you’ve always wanted? Are you willing to die?

If not, there is another path that I’ve heard of: To give what you’ve never got, and never engage the hope of receiving what you want.

Although these appear to be two different paths or approaches, they essentially lead to the same place. Both will create an ego death of sorts. Both will eventually have the effect at killing the identity that is starved for what you were denied as a child.

A final note: If you are a parent, be aware. Whatever you don’t give your child; physically, spiritually, emotionally or mentally, will cause him or her to spend the rest of his or her life seeking it.

–  Blaise


4 Responses

  1. Blaise,

    What a profound concept! As a coach, I request clients to write down what their number one goal. The exterior goal…like losing 10 pounds, running (finishing) a marathon, starting a business or writing a book (you get the idea)

    Then I ask them to write down the FEELING they think they’ll receive inside once they achieve this goal. They usually write down things like a sense of success, power, control, inner peace, worthiness, etc.

    This is the INNER GOAL. We are continuously searching for this inner goal and I believe their is only one way to fill it up and it isn’t through another human being. It’s from accepting and understanding your true self worth and that each one of us has been designed specifically for something amazing.

    My aim, as a parent, is to hook my kids up with THE WAY to fill their inner desire, the spiritual path, and then they won’t throw away relationships and other exterior goals trying to get fulfilled.

    Check out a great site, for more about this path….


  2. Hi Rebecca,

    Yes, exactly, we’re always pursuing what we didn’t get. Yet the funny thing is that our partner or the world is usually holding up a silver platter with what we want right in front of us, and we don’t see it. And we blame them for not giving us what we want. While their offering it the whole time.

    I think it’s the ego again that believes that we are designed specifically for something amazing. It’s the incessant need to believe that there is some purpose or meaning to this story we call life. Who knows, maybe there is. And certainly having an inner and outer purpose does seem to add more clarity and direction to this journey.

    I tend to think that we’re not really designed for something amazing, but that we’re witnesses of something amazing.

    Self worth is the first huge step. But then I believe self death is the next step. As Buddhism teaches, there is no self. Once we can let the self die, it’s incessant desires die too. And we can finally experience and witness what we have always wanted.

    Thanks for the website.


  3. Whoa, this post is IT — this is the stuff, like you said, that we’re all seeking/caught up in/confused or eluded by. That death of self is such a lovely concept (strange as that feels to type!), and yet hard to attain. How many of us can actually reach such a (close to) enlightened level? It’s worthy, though…oh so worthy.

    Thanks for taking the time to write this wonderful entry.

  4. Hi Megan,

    Death of self is a lovely concept only if it appears to promise what you want most. In truth, it delivers you straight into the dark abyss of the unknown. Guaranteeing you nothing.



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